I had a really good Doctor's appointment last Monday for a medication check. This is a short appointment to see if my medicines are still working correctly. I am very fortunately that I haven't had to deal with alot of medicine adjustments. The 2nd medication we tried works for me. A year and 1/2 ago the additional OCD made things even better. During the appointment I show her my mood chart and notes from the last 3 months. Since I am still dealing with the memory issue I had one page back and front of notes plus 2 back up documents. It seemed like over kill to me, but I knew that I would have trouble answering accurately any questions she had if everything wasn't written down. I don't have to go back until Dec.
One really hard thing about mental illness is getting a correct diagnosis added to that finding the right medication. There are no cost efficient brain scans for bi-polar. Behavior is the easier way to diagnose. However if a person isn'tin the hospital under observation it is up to the person who is having mental issues to explain accurately what is going on inside their head. Right. There are very skilled Dr. who do the miraculous and figure out what is going on with mentally ill patients like me. However when I started this process I used my coping mechanisms and hid my problem. That was not helpful and it took a long time to get to the bottom of 'what was wrong'. Now I am much more eagar to cooperate with the system. It is an on-going challenge to accurately express to the doctor in 15 minutes what is going on with me. That is the main reason DH and I both see last year's hospitalization as a blessing. They recognized the OCD very quickly and kept me long enough to get medicine in my system. Now I spend quite a bit of time prepping for my med. check appointment. I look through my mood chart and symptom notes. I also check in with DH and other people on my support team.
The holidays are coming up and there are a few stressor out of my control. My goal and hope is to keep on track through the next 3 months.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Episode Aborted
For a definition and understanding of what a bipolar episode is click on this website.
In the past two weeks I have had quite a few stressful situations all happening in a short amount of time. Some of these are triggers (I'll post on that later). I know this because they are in my wellness notebook (post later). The first big trigger was my dad (who also is bipolar) being admitted to the hospital on an involutary 72-hour suicide watch on Aug 29th. Another trigger is the change of seasons. Not necessarily weather, but from summer schedule to fall schedule. The third trigger is that my memory-processing issue is getting worse. I can't remember anything and I feel LOST. Simple task require so much from me right now.
Last Saturday my DH and I realized that I had temporarily packed my schedule way to full. It is easy to do at the beginning of the school year. We didn't even notice until we were right in the middle of it. On Saturday we decided that after Sunday's activities which were back to back I would cut back my schedule. Well that was good in theory, but I was already so tired and close to the edge I didn't make it through my Sunday activities. I really belived that I HAD to go to a baby shower because I was on the planning team. Looking back this is not the case. I didn't have to go. Most of my friends including the honoree know my situation. It would have been completely fine to call a few people and say I needed to stay home. Especially since I had a leaders meeting of the one ministry I'm involved in at church that night. That should have been the only thing on my schedule that day. So due to my own lack of planning (or over planning) I had a meltdown Sunday afternoon. When I came home a mess my DH was able to help me calm down so that I could go to my meeting. Now I could have skipped the meeting, but this ministry outside of taking care of my family is the ONE thing that I'm really good at right now. It is the only outside committment that I consider mandatory. Since Sunday DH and I have worked an at home 72-hour plan that keeps me from having a full blown episode. Included in this plan:
1. Review activities and decrease schedule by one-third for at least 7-10 days.
2. Reduce stimulation (loud noise, light, talking). Keep days low-key.
3. Regulate sleep - no naps - in bed around 10pm wake up no earlier that 6am.
4. Monitor medicine intake.
5. Be positive and have sense of humor.
If my plan didn't work the next step would have been to call the doctor and get in for an appointment or go into out-patient or in-patient treatment.
My mood stablized on Tuesday. Last night I was able to effectively minister at church.
My dad is still in the hospital. He was on suicide watch for about 10 days. Today he is being transfered to another unit where he will be there for atleast a week. I will have to be very attentive to my feelings regarding this situation.
In the past two weeks I have had quite a few stressful situations all happening in a short amount of time. Some of these are triggers (I'll post on that later). I know this because they are in my wellness notebook (post later). The first big trigger was my dad (who also is bipolar) being admitted to the hospital on an involutary 72-hour suicide watch on Aug 29th. Another trigger is the change of seasons. Not necessarily weather, but from summer schedule to fall schedule. The third trigger is that my memory-processing issue is getting worse. I can't remember anything and I feel LOST. Simple task require so much from me right now.
Last Saturday my DH and I realized that I had temporarily packed my schedule way to full. It is easy to do at the beginning of the school year. We didn't even notice until we were right in the middle of it. On Saturday we decided that after Sunday's activities which were back to back I would cut back my schedule. Well that was good in theory, but I was already so tired and close to the edge I didn't make it through my Sunday activities. I really belived that I HAD to go to a baby shower because I was on the planning team. Looking back this is not the case. I didn't have to go. Most of my friends including the honoree know my situation. It would have been completely fine to call a few people and say I needed to stay home. Especially since I had a leaders meeting of the one ministry I'm involved in at church that night. That should have been the only thing on my schedule that day. So due to my own lack of planning (or over planning) I had a meltdown Sunday afternoon. When I came home a mess my DH was able to help me calm down so that I could go to my meeting. Now I could have skipped the meeting, but this ministry outside of taking care of my family is the ONE thing that I'm really good at right now. It is the only outside committment that I consider mandatory. Since Sunday DH and I have worked an at home 72-hour plan that keeps me from having a full blown episode. Included in this plan:
1. Review activities and decrease schedule by one-third for at least 7-10 days.
2. Reduce stimulation (loud noise, light, talking). Keep days low-key.
3. Regulate sleep - no naps - in bed around 10pm wake up no earlier that 6am.
4. Monitor medicine intake.
5. Be positive and have sense of humor.
If my plan didn't work the next step would have been to call the doctor and get in for an appointment or go into out-patient or in-patient treatment.
My mood stablized on Tuesday. Last night I was able to effectively minister at church.
My dad is still in the hospital. He was on suicide watch for about 10 days. Today he is being transfered to another unit where he will be there for atleast a week. I will have to be very attentive to my feelings regarding this situation.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
"Post-Partum"
Last night I went to the grocery store to pick up a few items. In the check out one of the magazines made a statement about Angelia Jolie having:
"Post-Partum"
WebMD's definition of "postpartum" is "After childbirth. Cf.: antepartum, intrapartum". I would like to offer my congratulations to Angelina on the birth of her twins Vivienne and Knox.
I'm guessing the magazine is referring to postpartum blues or depression. I don't keep up with celebrities. But if it is what is the big deal to them? It is something that she, her family and medical team can take care of together. I've been there. Giving birth is hard. Having two at once is exponentially harder. It take time for a mom to adjust physically and emotionally. I have faith that the people around her will love her though this time and she will come out better on the other end.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Successful 1st night of AWANA
Last night was the first night of AWANA club at our church. If you are not familiar with AWANA is a gospel based children's club for children 3-years-old to 6th grade. I am the co-director for the girls 3-6 grades. The director is under the commander of the whole AWANA program and over the leaders in the 3-6 grade. I have been working together with the other directors during the summer to get ready for last night (and the entire club year). Our leaders are amazing and most have been in AWANA longer than me....some 10, 15 and 20 years! My co-director is one of my biggest supporters with my bipolar. It is exciting to be able to successful work in a children's ministry at church within the limits of what I can handle. I don't do nursery - EVER! The people who know this are the coordinators that head the program so it isn't a big deal to them. They would rather I not get stressed out an freak out in nursery. In AWANA I'm responsible for the adults leaders. I'm responsible for the background work that isn't seen most of the time, but has to be done for club to run smoothly. I am going to continue to learn so much from the leaders who have been doing AWANA for many years and also are raising godly children. My job is to make their only responsibility on Wednesday nights investing in their clubbers lives. That is why they are in AWANA in the first place.
To summarize last night and my feeling the next day. I feel like last night was a success both as a club and personally. I feel energized and ready to work on my next AWANA project. That is one important key in life - do what energizes you and stop doing things that suck the life out of you.
To summarize last night and my feeling the next day. I feel like last night was a success both as a club and personally. I feel energized and ready to work on my next AWANA project. That is one important key in life - do what energizes you and stop doing things that suck the life out of you.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Reflections from the retreat
One thing I journaled about was what is going on in my head. I would call it unrest but that is not entirely accurate. Park of what I struggle with is the void feeling. Not feeling on top of things, not remembers, not knowing intrinsically what to do not with out it written out in detail. Some of this has always been with me (learning disability); some of it is newer. Part of it is the effects of the medicine and part of it is part of the bipolar disorder. I feel very relaxed in my body except in my head which feels like I am missing something. So that begs the question "So what if I miss something?" And the answer goes to the core of me who has told myself "I'm not supposed to miss stuff. I'm known for being on top of things." I think that keeping on top of things is a valuable asset in life, but that coupled with my OCD is what landed me in a psych ward for 72 hours in 2007. It's not pretty but it is the truth.
I have worked out a lot of stuff in the last 16 months. But the one missing piece to the puzzle is the void in my brain. I can almost feel the fuzziness. The harder I try mentally to combat the feeling of not being with it - I get a headache in the front of my forehead. And thanks to the newly published book "Breaking the Bipolar Cycle" (see book list) I have a new piece to the puzzle. Chapter 10 is called "I thought I was smart, but I just can't perform". It outlines what I am experiencing as a information-processing problem and difficulties in working a declarative memory. I don't want to go into any more details of the book out of respect for the author's rights to their material. I highly recommend this book for people with bipolar spectrum disorder or friends and family of a person with the disorder.
What this book gives me is an affirmation of what I experience and terms in black and white that it is a part of the disorder. Even when my mood is stable I still have bipolar and side effects of it. When I am stable most people around me easily forget when I wasn't stable. But I have come to realize that I too think that stable means I'm in a sort of 'remission' until the next episode. That isn't how it is. I have a wellness plan that is necessary for me to keep my moods in check. I try to daily follow this wellness plan. In general it has become part of my lifestyle. I do get a little OCD when I can't follow it perfectly. I'm learning to give myself grace and not have a
"well I messed up I'll quit trying" attitude.
Because the mental challenges I face are not external it can be difficult for me to acknowledge them to myself and even harder to admit to others even if they are on my support team.
I have worked out a lot of stuff in the last 16 months. But the one missing piece to the puzzle is the void in my brain. I can almost feel the fuzziness. The harder I try mentally to combat the feeling of not being with it - I get a headache in the front of my forehead. And thanks to the newly published book "Breaking the Bipolar Cycle" (see book list) I have a new piece to the puzzle. Chapter 10 is called "I thought I was smart, but I just can't perform". It outlines what I am experiencing as a information-processing problem and difficulties in working a declarative memory. I don't want to go into any more details of the book out of respect for the author's rights to their material. I highly recommend this book for people with bipolar spectrum disorder or friends and family of a person with the disorder.
What this book gives me is an affirmation of what I experience and terms in black and white that it is a part of the disorder. Even when my mood is stable I still have bipolar and side effects of it. When I am stable most people around me easily forget when I wasn't stable. But I have come to realize that I too think that stable means I'm in a sort of 'remission' until the next episode. That isn't how it is. I have a wellness plan that is necessary for me to keep my moods in check. I try to daily follow this wellness plan. In general it has become part of my lifestyle. I do get a little OCD when I can't follow it perfectly. I'm learning to give myself grace and not have a
"well I messed up I'll quit trying" attitude.
Because the mental challenges I face are not external it can be difficult for me to acknowledge them to myself and even harder to admit to others even if they are on my support team.
Personal Retreat
I took a personal retreat last weekend. I got a hotel in town. Only my DH knew my exact accommodations and he agreed to only call if it was an emergency. I used priceline.com and got a studio hotel room...I'm hooked. I liked the room because it felt like I was back in my apartment before I got married and I was only responsible for one person - me. After I got married I moved into my DH's house which he had for a couple of years. I recreated the space of my apartment in the spare bedroom. It was my room. All my stuff - set up pretty much like my apartment bedroom. It was bigger so I was able to add a full sized table for scrapbooking. When we got pregnant that room was was going to become the nursery. I had pictures in my mind what it would look like - however when it came to the big day of disassembling my stuff I fell apart and cried - I mean really CRIED. DH was confused at my emotions. I tried to explain that I was giving up my space to the baby. I know it didn't make sense to him to be excited about a baby and decorating her room and at the same time resenting that the baby was taking my space. I struggle today to find a quiet space in my home with a toddler and a hard of hearing husband.
It is hard to take time to quiet my spirit but to coordinate that with the household seem impossible at times. Part of the "noise" in the house is all the things that need to get done. When I walk in the kitchen and see the sink overflowing with dishes there is an internal nudging or a scolding even that I need to do this task. If my OCD kicks in it adds NOW!
In the past I have taken to 'running away' once a week to a coffee shoppe - which if funny because they aren't very quiet. I intend to keep up the practice of getting "me" time once a week, but I want to get away from the notion that I'm "running away". I want it to be a time for me to enjoy a cup of coffee and the opportunity to read a book, journal or work on a crossword puzzle - hopefully uninterrupted.
It is hard to take time to quiet my spirit but to coordinate that with the household seem impossible at times. Part of the "noise" in the house is all the things that need to get done. When I walk in the kitchen and see the sink overflowing with dishes there is an internal nudging or a scolding even that I need to do this task. If my OCD kicks in it adds NOW!
In the past I have taken to 'running away' once a week to a coffee shoppe - which if funny because they aren't very quiet. I intend to keep up the practice of getting "me" time once a week, but I want to get away from the notion that I'm "running away". I want it to be a time for me to enjoy a cup of coffee and the opportunity to read a book, journal or work on a crossword puzzle - hopefully uninterrupted.
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